I have a confession to make. I do so with much guilt and a heavy heart and hope that I can be forgiven to compete again in the future - I have entered the zero-carbon challenge, but it has now come to my attention that I have been competing under the influence of non-zero-carbon products. I could claim ignorance, but if you kill someone accidentally, you have still killed them and should pay the consequences.
It is with great remorse that I confess that I have habitually been going out birding with a banana. Neither was this a one-off, isolated incident. I conducted a systematic regime of perpetual snacking on imported fruit, some of it from as far away as the Philipines, India, Brazil and Ecuador. The illicit air miles must run into the tens of thousands.
I would then covertly consume these products in discreet places such as Potton Wood, Biggleswade Common and the farmland around Wrestlingworth, disposing of the evidence in ditches, bushes or down rabbit holes.
I am sure I would never have been caught, but I felt I had to be a carbon consumer just to keep up with the competition.
I mean, do my ‘zero-carbon’ rivals - Matt and Richard – really believe that the Shimano gears on their mountain bikes were manufactured in Bedford?
I would like to apologise to my fellow competitors, my family and friends. I am a disgrace to the zero-carbon, self-finding fraternity. *Weep*